I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
