The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
