his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
