I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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