she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
