Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
