i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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