so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
