Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
