those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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