We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
