You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
