I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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