How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
