Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
