get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's always time for handjobs
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So here I am, sexting at work.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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