my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
