I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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