Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
