He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
