did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
