I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
