The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
