Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
