i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
