I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
