My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
