Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Who died my cat blue again?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
