She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
