I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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