Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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