the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
