the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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