Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
