he thought i was a dude.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I have aggressive nipples.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
