I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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