i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My vagina is officially offended.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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