you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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