He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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