I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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