I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
