Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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