i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My bed smells like the plague
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
