you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
