...so i touched it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
