On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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