the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
