Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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