She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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