only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
